Hey up!
Just when you think life's not worth living! Just when you've had a naff day on the horses!
Along comes... Don't stand there embarrassing people! ..this vision of wrinkled bad temper!
The sun starts shining, the birds start singing, and the ferrets... Well, you know what ferrets are.
Have you been throwing your money away again? Listen, lass, one day, I'll be a big winner!
And it's thee and me for the Orient Express.
First Class, champagne, and all manner of them poncy little chips!
You'll not get me to no Orient where no woman's safe! That's Blackpool.
Me mother would turn in her grave if she thought I was in the Orient.
What would she say to a week in Mablethorpe?
Or any pub between here and Huddersfield?
Or my best bedroom! That's a final offer!
I have an announcement to make.
Hey up! I didn't mean to get thee so excited!
Well, here it comes, like it or not. Financial flash! I am very short of the readies!
Cash flow is a definite problem!
Technically speaking, I suppose tha could say I was S-C-I-N-T, skint!
I see they've painted double yellow lines in Procter Street.
I think some nice pastel shade would have been better.
Procter Street needs all the pastel shades it can get.
I don't know what I'm going to do for grub the rest of the week. I've got mice leaving home.
If me stomach shrinks any more, me trousers will will fall down. ..Oops!
I told thee!
Cover yourself up, man!
What's a sheep going to think if it sees you like that?
How is it going to feel to see its wool finishing up like this?
They slipped down... off my empty stomach.
I'm vanishing into a shadow!
The Shadow. I like it!
The Shadow strikes again! You'll be pleased to know that people can go for weeks without food.
I'm sure he's pleased to know that. Education is a marvellous thing.
We used to go for days without food and then have to fight the Japanese.
And THEY went for WEEKS. Extremely gifted at going without food, your Japanese.
Listen, Prunella, I'm NOT Japanese!
Well, that bit looks Japanese. Maybe it's a trick of the light.
Or perhaps everyone has something that's a bit Japanese. They say we're all brothers under the skin.
I wonder which bit is Welsh, and is it liable to spring a leak?
You get your morning rush over.
You're just enjoying a minute's peace when the door opens and... Oh, well!
One cup of your delicious tea, please, Ivy. Oh, and a king-size sticky bun! And again, please, Ivy.
Not for me, lass.
He's broke. Surprise, surprise! No credit given!
I'll sit and watch. You'll STAND and watch! Chairs are for customers!
By heck. When you're flat skint, tha knows who tha friends are!
Who's your friend? Never seen him before. Hm...
Doesn't look like anybody's friend to me. I understand he's part Japanese.
You'll all be jealous when I've slimmed down and I'm like a magnet to women. Maggot?
Magnet!
Oh. Sorry.
'Course, some folk might be embarrassed tucking into things when their mates are broke.
Yes, I imagine some people might be. Are you embarrassed, Clegg?
Not so much as on my honeymoon. I could cope with anything after that.
Yeah, well, I think I'd better wait outside before my trousers fall down again!
I should think so! We've no licence for entertainment!
Eli!
Compo!
Listen... What? Lend us a quid. Oh, no problem!
Eli!
They want to put something round these holes!
Right, now, just stand there, you see? And pretend you're a Japanese sentry.
Now, I'm going to creep up behind you, and you won't hear a sound.
I shall move like a phantom, avoiding every twig.
What'll you do when you get here?
We'll worry about that when I get there. I'd rather worry about it now!
Just stand there, will you, and pretend you're a ruthless Japanese!
Not exactly typecasting, is it?
Don't you think we ought to go outside and give Compo a bun? No, I don't!
I think we ought to teach him a lesson.
Right. Now... I'm coming. So... Be on your guard.
What the blood and stomach pills...!? Ohh!
I heard you! I heard you!
Hey up!
I know it's probably a silly question, but what were you doing?
Oh, I was creeping up on this ruthless Japanese sentry. Trying to avoid every twig.
There aren't any twigs in here!
Where are we going?
Where are we GOING ? To see Smiler. He's an expert on part-time jobs since he lodged with Nora Batty.
Norman! Don't expect sympathy from me. I'm a ruthless Japanese sentry.
A little part-time job won't hurt you. It will. I can feel it already.
It's time you put your back into something. That's it! Me back!
Oh! Oh, my back! Ohh! Don't argue with him. He'll creep up behind you and smash the furniture.
You'll thank me when you've got a steady income.
And the entire catchment area will thank me when you can afford new trousers. What's Smiler doing now?
Nora Batty's found him a very secure position.
I'm not doing that. You don't have to do that. Smiler's doing that.
Lucky Smiler. He looks terrible! Well, he always looks terrible.
How long does he have to stay like that? Oh, he's only part-time.
Where are you going? I might as well try to negotiate a small loan with Uncle Henry.
I've told you before. Borrowing is no good. You've got to EARN.
Ye gods! Has he been in an accident? No... He... He always dresses like this.
Oh, READY for an accident! Clever!
Hey up! Don't get cheeky! It's been some great stuff, has this. I've had some great wear out of this!
And it shows. YOU'VE not been in lately either! This is a demob suit!
And I'm never letting it go in case I have to fight for another!
It's been a hard life round here. There's a natural resistance to tailoring. Perhaps we could help you.
And I'll tell you how. Would you mind if I let you out the back way?
It won't do me any good if people see him leaving the premises. Ah, but what if he didn't leave?
Suppose he appeared in your window in his full glory? Ragged. Tattered. Half an inch away from scandalous.
A quarter.
You must be joking! With a sign that says, "Don't look like this. Get a new suit!"
Is he expensive? Aye. No! Moderate!
No, I'm sorry. I can't afford moderate.
Times are hard. Dirt cheap is best I can do.
I'm not working for dirt cheap. I don't see why not. I always did.
Beggars can't be choosers. Beggars! Forget it. You are not going begging.
I reckon I could do begging. You must admit, he's dressed for it. If he smartens up a bit. I will!
No! There must be a job for you somewhere. We'll go and see Smiler and see how he found his.
How do, Smiler?
Ask him how he got the job. Just lucky, I guess.
How'd tha get the job, Smiler?
The job!
How do you find a job like that?
Uncomfortable?
Did you get it personally, or have you got an agent?
It's no good. He's as thick as a brick.
Let's go inside.
Ohh....hm...
Looks like this place could do with a loan.
They don't believe in a flash public image.
It's Auntie Wainwright.
Not on these premises. Here, it's Uncle Henry. Limited.
Auntie Wainwright is Uncle Henry Ltd?
Would you want a loan from Auntie Wainwright? I wouldn't want one from Uncle Henry Ltd.
People like you stop people like me earning money. We didn't mean to intrude, Auntie...Henry.
We just wanted a word with your dummy in the window. You can't. He's working.
If we pay, can we have a word with your dummy in the window? That's different.
Too many pet shops in the area.
Nora's the driving force. She gets Smiler these jobs. Maybe she could find you one.
She could if she played her cards right. Listen... in the interest of cowardice...
You're just going to ring the bell? Why not? It's a perfectly legitimate errand.
Like Red Riding Hood's, and look what happened to her. Retreat is not in my vocabulary.
Flanking movements, however, are something I might be prepared to consider.
You need the job. You ring the bell.
I'm going, I'm going. I've spent a lifetime tryin' to get in positions to ring Nora's bell.
Watch this.
What do you want? Relax! Don't stand there lookin' like Joan Crawford.
Lighten up. It's me, Sugar Lips. I'm lookin' for work, lass. About time.
Ring it again. Explain to her.
Have you nothing better to do than be ringing people's bells? Can I ask thee a personal question?
How do you keep finding Smiler all these jobs? Incentive.
Would you like him under your feet all day?
So much for work.
Looks as though I'll have to go begging.
You're not well enough dressed to go begging. That's true.
Maybe I could find someone to buy me a pint while I think of something.
Pints go quicker these days. Yours do.
It's since we went metric.
I could murder another.
Not on me, you don't.
Where are you going? To see if me credit's good.
Ho-oh. Here!
D'you think we ought to buy him another one?
No, it's time he learnt his lesson.
One thing I can't stand is bad language and people asking for credit. That's two things.
And know-it-alls that keep correcting you. That's three things.
It'd be a good man who'd get credit round here. And here he comes now.
A-haar! A-haar!
A-haar, a-haar, a-haar!
Good evening, me old hearties!
What about it, then?
Oh, let's get him out of here.
How could you sink so low? If a job's worth doin', it's worth doin' reet.
Huh, Henry Ford the Second.
Listen! A band.
Hey up, I like a band.
Could do with sharpening up the marching beat, whoever they are.
I think we've cracked it this time, love.
Anybody sees us together now, they'll think we're just practising.
I wouldn't mind if we occasionally DID get a bit of practice, Howard.
Didn't I see your lodger trapped in a shop window? Yes.
It gets 'em out from under your feet.
He's very long to be trapped in a shop window.
You weren't brought up to be noticing how long people are.
Oh, Mother!
How did you talk him into that?
I asked him if he'd like a job in show-biz.
He couldn't get there fast enough.
Has he ambitions in that direction?
I believe he has a leaning towards dramatic monologues.
Well, he's got the face for it.
They're ALL interested in show-biz.
My Barry's not interested in show-biz. Well, count your blessings.
It's good to have a slow metabolism.
Mine's taken up music. After all these years, suddenly he's manic about a bugle.
They're very hard to understand.
I gave up trying.
The only thing to do is remind yourself that you know best.
Fortunately, deep down they really believe we DO know best.
It just shows they can be sensible when they try.
This is no place to be short of money. Auntie Wainwright gets very short with that.
I'll wait outside. She'll sell me something. No, she won't.
We've come here to strike a bargain. Seeing Marina and that big drum gave me an idea.
Well, tha'll not get anything here, not from Auntie Wainwright. Even if she IS Uncle Henry, Ltd.
Don't be touching anything! Everything's wired! You'll be electrocuted.
She means it.
No, that's just bluff.
Good G...
Well, it's not a bad bluff.
Well, are you selling or buying? What's the difference? About 75%.
Dear lady... Oh, he's right there. I'm about as dear as they come. You have to be to survive.
A poor defenceless old woman. Poor? Tha owns half the street.
Three-quarters. Now, what can I do for you?
Will somebody give me a hand?
Mind the step.
That's my boy.
All right.
BANGS DRUM
ROUSING MARCH
So you see, he's going to need some transport.
What for? Ah, well, that will all be revealed in just a moment.
BANGING DRUM
What is it?
It'll all become clear in a moment.
TOOT TOOT
How do, Wes?
Ye gods, they don't make chassis like that anymore. It's alright for making a noise.
But what's he going to do when he just wants to tinkle?
RADIO ON Makes conversation difficult.
WHAT ? The radio. I said, it makes conversation difficult.
Oh, aye. It makes conversation difficult.
I find it interferes with a person's war stories.
Stop!
Will you slow down ?!
Or better still, stop. I need something to hang on to. Stop!
Pull into this pub car park. He can try out his act here.
Has he got an act? He's had plenty of time in the back to rehearse it.
STRANGE MUSICAL NOISES
What's happened to him? Went completely musical.
He'll be fine once he's had his piccolo removed. I've been saying that for years.
Is that Nora Batty? Stand back. Let me give this lass a musical treat.
# Whenever I see me Nora... Me heart beats like a drum
# Boom boom boom I feel that overcome
# Whenever I see me Nora Me cymbal skips a beat
# Me tweeter gives a tweet... Aaaggh! #
Subtitles by Wilma Campbell BBC 1992